Using The Appreciation Station
How should I prepare for the arrival of our Appreciation Station?
Get excited! Upon receiving your order, you will receive an e-mail from us that encourages your family to hold a fun family meeting that shares ideas that allow you to focus on your families specific challenges. We provide you with the basic rules of the station and you fill in the family guidelines that you establish.
How often should I give tokens for good behavior?
Children are as unique as the families they come from. The beauty of The Appreciation Station is that it is up to the parent to make that decision. There are some general guidelines, however, that we recommend. Modeling behavior and helping your child to accomplish the behavior should always be rewarded. Behavior can be rewarded with many things: a hug, a high-five, a secret family handshake or a token. Kids respond to reinforcement of all kinds as it lets them know that you appreciate their efforts.
For example, if your child making their bed every day is key to you, you want to reward that behavior a few days in a row to get the habit established. You do this until you are assured that the child is able to accomplish the task on their own and make it a habit. You could also lay out guidelines in this manner: "This week, Mom and Dad will be looking for you to wake up in the morning, make your bed and come downstairs for breakfast with a smile on your face." Give high-fives, hugs or their favorite breakfast each day that it is accomplished and reward at the end of the week with a token.
How do I set the expectation for the behavior I am seeking?
Setting clear expectations for your child is the key to success. Your child needs a clear example of what good behavior looks like before all new tasks or outings. Whether you're going to the grocery store, going to church, going out for dinner, asking them to make their bed, encouraging them to be a good friend… it is essential that you take just 60 seconds to show them how that situation or task looks.
So often, when a child has acted inappropriately we hear parents say "he should know better". The problem with this statement is that often times the parent hasn't laid clear expectations and without that, the child actually does not know better.
It is also essential that you set clear consequences when setting behavior expectations. They need to know that not doing something (or not putting in the effort as sometimes effort doesn't result in successfully completing a task but should still be rewarded) will result in not being rewarded. You can do this through laying out that you will "appreciate good behavior and will not appreciate bad behavior". Kids will learn to associate "appreciate" with reinforcement and good things.
What are some basic "role playing" suggestions for setting good behavior expectations?
Requesting Specific Household Chores
If you are asking your child to perform a specific household task or chore, be sure you walk through the motions with them so that they know exactly how they want it done. If you want to teach your child to feed the dog every day, show them where the food is located, how much to put in the bowl and to replace the water so it is fresh. Also show them how to put the food back in it's spot.
If you have a young child that is unable to read yet and you want them to make their bed and get themselves dressed in the morning, help them remember by doing the following. Make a poster in their room that has drawings of the bed and their clothes so they can follow the task chart in the morning. Leave space so that when these steps have been successfully learned, you can add a toothbrush to the poster so that they can now do all 3 tasks until learned. The first time they are told to do the task, do it with them and show them how you expect it to be done.
Going To The Grocery Store
Take 60 seconds at home before going to the store and role play what the grocery store experience will look like. Pretend you're walking behind a grocery cart and show them where you expect them to be… right at your side helping to be part of the grocery store team. Give them some ownership in the errand and show them the grocery list. It will be their responsibility to cross off the item when you've found it. Relay to them that if the trip goes well, they will have the chance to pick out their favorite cereal or another reward you choose.
Going To Church
Take a moment before going to church and sit the entire family down on the couch. Pretend it is a church pew and show them what the wrong behavior looks like (slouching down, putting feet up on seat, making noise, etc.). Then show them what the right behavior looks like. Tell them that if the trip goes well, it will be appreciated (maybe with a bike ride or token or another reward of your choice).
Going For A Play Date
When your child is going to a friend's house, be sure to outline for them the fact that playmates that show good behavior will be asked back again for more fun. Playmates that show bad behavior may not be asked back. Ask them what good behavior looks like? It's saying "please" and "thank you", cleaning up toys when finished with them, listening to the parent in the house, sharing toys with each other and being ready to go when the play date is over.
Being A Good Friend
Do you have an uncle, aunt or family friend that you think shows qualities of being a good friend? Use that example with your kids to show them what being a good friend looks like. It may be sharing, kindness, being a good listener and not interrupting, helping friends that are sad, telling friends what you like about them, not making fun, etc. Remind kids of what being a good friend looks like before play dates, the start of a new school year, etc.
The Appreciation Station can help siblings to encourage, motivate and be kind to each other. You want to be sure to treat each child as an individual when rewarding or giving consequences. When looking for individual kids to perform specific tasks, don't reward both in a group. The children need to know that if they accomplish something and their sibling doesn't accomplish something, the child that was successful will still be rewarded.
That being said, the Appreciation Station has four slots that you can tailor to your family. Maybe blue is for Johnny and Green is for Susie. You can then use Red as a "team" prize slot. Lay out some team behaviors that you are looking for to work on together… helping each other clean up, being kind to each other, doing something good together unexpectedly, etc. This way, not only do they work as a team but the reward you provide could be an outing together or a toy that they both want and can share.
What are some ways to "assign" the color coded slots and tokens on The Appreciation Station?
- Assign one to each child in the home
- Assign one of the slots to the parents to be rewarded by kids or to reward each other
- Assign different levels of prizes to each color
- Assign different types of prizes to each color (ie: Green is money, Red is a toy, Blue is a field trip, Purple is a surprise)
What sort of terminology will be helpful to use when parenting with positive discipline?
In studies performed around the world, using Positive Discipline to raise a child will increase self esteem, confidence, responsibility, kindness to others and eventual success in their adult lives.
Parents like to tell their children "I am so proud of you". It is important to let them know that they have shown success in attempting and/or accomplishing the task but it is sometimes more important to instill that pride in a child by saying "You should be proud of yourself". The parent won't always be present in every situation with their child and by using this phrase, you can ensure that they will do something good for themselves instead of always looking for gratification from others.
When laying out tasks that you want your child to demonstrate, don't ask them to do it. Children see an option to say no when you say "Will you please take the garbage out?". We want to treat our kids with kindness but they also need to know that what you're are seeking them to do, will be done. The better way to request behavior is to say "Please take the garbage out". Or if it is a new behavior you're wanting them to learn you say "This week, I'm looking for you to stay on top of when the garbage needs to go out and it will be appreciated".
How can I break the cycle of "counting to 3" or "time outs"?
If you have set the expectation correctly for the task at hand, you should not have to resort to these type of disciplines. Setting consequences and laying out consequences should be enough motivation to do what you are looking for.
If you, for example, are resorting to giving time outs when trying to get the kids out the door for school, then role play for them what it looks like to be organized and efficient in the morning and let them know it will be appreciated. Then, give them a 5 minute warning before it's time to go by saying "We will be leaving the house in five minutes… be sure that you have your backpack ready, grab your lunch and take your seat in the car".
"Counting to 3" is ineffective because you are giving your child the option to disobey and show bad behavior for extra time. By setting clear expectations and consequences, they will not be given the wiggle room to take the power from the parent.
"Time Outs" are ineffective because once they are in the time out and sitting quietly, they are still being punished. If you do need to use "time outs", we suggest that you model for them what the "time out" looks like (sitting calmly and showing that they are ready to rejoin the group) and once they have reached this level of self discipline, bring them back right away. Don't prolong it to a specified time you have previously set because they will see this as being disciplined long after they've demonstrated the behavior you seek.
How can I use The Appreciation Station if I feel like my child is overindulged?
We all have very busy lives and often times when parents feel guilty for not spending enough quality time with their children, they buy them gifts to compensate. This leads to overindulged kids that have more stuff than they can possibly ever play with and parents that look around the house and see their "guilt gifts" taking over their home.
The best way to help your child understand that they don't need all those material things is to show them the value of donation or volunteering their time. Find a local charity that would benefit from children's toys, clothes, etc. and make it a family project to go through their possessions and donate a portion.
By having the entire family donate their time to a cause (working at a local soup kitchen, habitat for humanity, visiting your area retirement home), kids will learn to become generous givers as well as gracious receivers.
We recommend logging onto www.1-800-volunteer.org to find volunteer opportunities in your neighborhood. Another great resource is www.familycares.org.
