Dear Deb
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Dad Needs Help to Work from Home
October 9th, 2007 | Share this with a friend!
Dear Deb,
I saw the Channel 9 news segment this morning. Would you consider us for your segment where you come into the home? Our family issue is that my husband works from home and I stay at home with our 5 year old son and 2 year old daughter. My hubby needs quiet time to complete his work. This has become a challenge as my 2 year old has learned to screech or scream when she wants something. I could use some advice in how to better manage their arguing and bickering. Thanks for any info you can share!
Signed,
Can you help us?
Dear Can you help us,
Aren’t those segments on Channel 9 fun? I do enjoy them. I, however, am not in charge of choosing the families that are a part of the different shows; I will, though, forward your letter to the producers.
Of course, your husband needs some quiet time in order to complete his work. This might be a little easier said than done given that he has two young children in the house with him. Working out of the home can be a beautiful thing, but it also comes with some inherent dilemmas. The entire family will need to become good stewards of cooperation and compromise in order for things to go as smoothly as possible for everyone. And that is where you (and your husband) come in! Never forget that the two of you are in innate positions of authority and leadership when it comes to your family. It is your job to lay out the expectations and consequences for your children’s behavior and then to make sure these are followed through. For example, from your letter it appears that your 2 year old daughter has ‘learned’ to scream or screech when she wants something. Why? Because there has been/is a pay off. She gets your attention; she gets what she wants; she feels powerful.
Remember, children continue to do only what works for them. Many children go through a screaming, whining, screeching, or shrieking phase much to the chagrin of their parents. But, now it is time for you to ‘pull rank’ on your little one and give her the firm and clear message that from this day forward she will not get what she wants by screaming and screeching.
The hard part of this will probably be the fact that you must stand your ground. No matter how annoyed and frustrated you will feel as you are not giving in to her shrieking demands, you cannot give in as this only serves to undermine your leadership role and may actually encourage further screaming. So, let her know that from this day forward you will not listen to her screams for something. Let her know plain and simple, "I will not listen to your screams for something. It hurts my ears and no one likes it." Let her know that she "can use her Big Girl voice" or "her library voice" and that then and only then will you listen. In fact, you need to ignore her screams altogether, because scolding her for screaming is attention, albeit negative, but kids really like attention. If she screams, you become neutral. She might need to be calmly reminded several times about the required behavior, but that’s it. There is a good chance that the screams will escalate initially, but soon she should get the idea.
Regarding the sibling bickering, I recently read a study that found sibling bickering/rivalry is an age-old phenomenon that is actually healthy and positive. Your job is to ensure there safety and to mediate when necessary, all while maintaining your sanity. Try this: Set the bar high for your children by pre-praising them. Let them know that you know that they can, for example, play together without arguing, share their toys, etc. Kids tune out their parents nagging, lecturing, and yelling; but by pre-praising your kids you allow them to view themselves in a positive, competent, and capable light. Of course, don’t forget to "catch them being/doing good", as well. Let them know that you saw and appreciated their behavior. "I really appreciate that you read your sister a book. It means a lot to me and I know she enjoyed it also." You could then present your son with a token for The Appreciation Station or give him a hug. All of this fosters a sense of an appreciation for a higher standard of behavior in the household. Yeah!
With appreciation,
Deb
