Dear Deb
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Teaching Son to be More Assertive
October 9th, 2007 | Share this with a friend!
Dear Deb,
We have a 4yo son Chris and a 3 year old daughter Jennifer who are best of friends. However, Chris’s younger sister Jennifer seems to be more the leader and Chris the follower. Jennifer bosses Chris around and takes what she wants from him, and Chris just lets her. We wonder how we can get Chris to be more assertive and not to be a pushover. We also worry that he is going to let other kids treat him the same way and we don’t want him to be taken advantage of by his peers. Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated.
Signed,
Stuck in the middle
Dear Stuck in the middle,
Hello and thank you for your recent letter. I also want to welcome you to The Appreciation Station family … I have been informed by Diana that a Station will be arriving at your residence this afternoon. I truly believe that your children will be immediately engaged and excited about this new addition. Parenting from a Model of Appreciation can be immensely rewarding for the entire family and I hope that you will stay in touch and let us know how everyone is progressing.
Regarding your letter, it was beautiful to hear that your children are "best friends" and I think that that in itself can be a huge positive focus for you, as well as for them, of course. I would advise that you catch each of them "doing/being good" and reward that, say, with a token of appreciation that could be dispensed at The Station. For example, you could say to your daughter, "I really appreciate the way that you asked your brother if you could play with his (toy) instead of just taking it. Here is a token." Catch your son holding his ground and let him know that you saw, "I saw that you were sticking up for yourself when your sister tried to take your book away from you. You handled that really well. Here is a token." The idea here is to catch the kids engaging in a positive behavior and then praising them in a specific manner. Appreciating each child’s strengths and efforts can lead to increased feelings of self-esteem and self-confidence in the child.
No one wants their child to be taken advantage of and I hear your concern regarding your son. I, of course, don’t know your children, but all kids have their own individual temperment and we have to be sensitive about that. Also, some kids may experience developmental delays, different levels of maturity, and/or behaviors that they are just not comfortable with yet. Perhaps your son could benefit from some Assertiveness Training with you as the teacher. Set him up for success with his sister and at school. Practice through role playing different strategies and responses that he can have in his repertoire for handling different difficult situations that can/will come up. Say, "Let’s pretend that you are in the lunch line at school and kids keep cutting in front of you. What can you do?" Then play out several scenarios. Be specific. "Excuse me. I am in line here. The back of the line is there." Have him practice it. "Hey, I’ve waited in line. We are all waiting. It’s my turn next." Practice these and see if he can begin to feel comfortable with this assertiveness … and don’t forget to appreciate his progress and effort as he moves through your ‘training’.
With appreciation,
Deb
